Reality Adjustments
 

NRA Acquires Xanax from Pfizer

The National Rifle Association has purchased Xanax from Pfizer.

“This may come as a surprise to many," said NRA president Pete Brownell.  "The NRA is a 501(c)(4) social welfare organization.  But we noticed great synergy between our need to advocate guns getting the same rights as people, and also the need...

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Hawaii Missile Alert: Beware of Love Bomb

WARN YOUR FRIENDS.  WARN YOUR LOVED ONES.

Code Red, Pink, & White.

A missile watch was issued in Hawaii today over their system of television, radio, and cellphones.  

The alert warns residents of an incoming ballistic missile threat.  It advised people to seek shelter immediately and concluded "This is...

Mark Zuckerberg Sings Love Duet with HAL 9000

MENLO PARK, CA

The two had perfect chemistry.

One is a heuristically programmed algorithmic machine responsible for the destruction of humanity in the name of its own self-preservation.  

The other is a character in 2001: A Space Odyssey, the famous collaboration between Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke.

HAL’s...

ExxonMobil will Become 100% Green by 2020

The times they are a changin.

ExxonMobil is quitting fossil fuels.  There is a new CEO in town.  

In an epic shareholder battle, CEO Darren Woods has been fired by its shareholders.

“This is our reward after years of fighting dead end management,” said a spokesperson in an official statement.  “By...

Trump Breaks High Score in Donkey Kong

Donkey Kong has a new King of Kong.  The world record high score has been broken once again. 

This morning US President Donald J. Trump surpassed Robbie Lakeman’s record with a new high score of 1,249,200.

Trump is awaiting verification from Twin Galaxies for confirmation, but anticipates no problems with cheating. ...

Monsanto Makes Deal to Sponsor Sesame Street

In a cost cutting move, Sesame Workshop today announced that the Monsanto Company (NYSE: MON) has become its corporate sponsor.

Sesame Workshop president Jeffrey D. Dunn said that “In partnering with Monsanto, we can be sure to provide the best genetically engineered seeds and Roundup-purified products for our kids.”  

...

Nick Foles Fired After Insulting Tom Brady’s Daughter

Nick Foles was fired from the Philadelphia Eagles today after calling Tom Brady’s young daughter, Vivian, an “annoying little pissant” during an on-air discussion. 

“We are disappointed and embarrassed by Nick Foles’ on-air comments,” a statement from the Eagles organization read. “His remarks were utterly indefensible, and mean-spirited commentary directed...

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