Plastic Straw Use Now Punishable by Death in California

Posted on February 03, 2018

Entitled “The Last Straw Act,” the State of California has passed a bill to execute anyone caught using plastic straws.  This law spans all types of disposable plastic: Fans of single-use plastic bags and plastic silverware shall not be spared.

Citing environmental disaster in our oceans, marine life, coral reefs, and the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, Democrats in control of California’s state legislature have decided that enough is enough.

“Bring your own damn reusable straw to Del Taco,” said Democrat President Kevin de León.  “Or we will execute you.  And it won’t be the electric chair or lethal injection either.  We will feed you shards of plastic until your guts tear from within and you strangle from the holes in your lungs, just like what happens to the dolphins you murder you straw-sucking dolphin-killer.  But if you’re nice maybe we’ll give you the option of death by plastic bag over the head.  What’s it going to be then, eh?”

“Seriously,” continued de León, who wasn’t about to stop there.  “Look at this plastic garbage everywhere!  Why was this ever legal?  I guess we like to punish the users and not the manufacturers, certainly not the lawmakers like myself who’ve permitted this.  So now we are living in a plastic explosion of shit and then telling the consumer it’s your fault and putting the blame on you to clean up the colossal volcanic eruptions that manufacturers spew out every second and also charge you for!  We even put plastic microbeads in your shampoo and then say don’t wash it down the drain.  What’s wrong with us?  Get your heads out of the sand people!”

Then the Democrat dropped his mic and left our interview.

“Hey I thought we were the ones who are tough on crime?” said Republican State minority leader, Patricia Bates, who was quick to respond.  “Clearly this is a partisan attack against Republicans to try to look tougher.  Well you can’t out tough us with your flimsy plastic laws!  Look how Big Tough we are as we criminally punish largely minorities for nonviolent drug offenses that most countries would treat as a health matter.  Look how Big Tough we are threatening immigrant moms and dads and their kids.  Look how Big Tough we are controlling what is morally legal for same sex couples and women's bodies.  Hell, we have the Biggest Toughest military in the world, dammit, let's use it on our own citizens to stop crimes that we invent.  But these plastic laws... why that's just more Big Government.”

“Seriously,” continued Bates, who wasn’t about to stop there.  “We hate Big Government!  We hate your Big Government ‘Need to Give Sexual Consent While Sober’ laws.  We hate your Big Government ‘Assault Weapons Ban’ laws.  Now you want Big Government ‘Environmental Protection’ anti-plastic laws?  When will enough be enough?  Clearly you Democrats hate Big Freedom.  Freedom of Big Business to make a profit.  Freedom of little consumers to litter.  Freedom to burn my home as I stand in it if I want to dammit.  Plastic straws don’t kill little fish: Big Government fish kill little fish!  Get your heads out of the sand people!”

Then the Republican dropped her mic and left our interview as well.

And when I did pull my head out of the sand (I was looking for a pretty seashell in the beach) unfortunately it got caught in a ring of plastic used for a 6-pack of Budweiser.  

Then I too dropped the mic.  

But unfortunately the base of the mic was made of plastic.  And that’s plastic littering.  And now I am on death row, walking down that long hall, toward the gallows.  I just ate my last meal: A Corn on the Cob Microwavable TV dinner, made extra juicy and plump by synthesized fossil fuel fertilizers, the kind I loved as a kid.  I suppose I have an emotional connection.  How come it always tastes so good?

The final door opened.  I passed through.  Before me I face a man with a plastic bag over his head, cut with eye holes, holding a plastic bag for my head, without eye holes.  Goodbye, my friends.  I shall miss you all.

[Editorial Note: Since this article has been published, Californian Republicans have finished drafting a new bill that legalizes your right to shoot anyone you see littering, which includes air pollution, so technically you will be able to shoot anyone who drives a car with gasoline or diesel exhaust fumes.  It would still by a crime to shoot the car manufacturer.  The law punishes consumers of garbage, not creators of garbage.]

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