grade Trump State of Miss America Speech: She’s a 10!

Posted on January 30, 2018

For Trump’s State of the Union speech today, he called “Miss America at least a 9, probably a 10.  She gets turned on by freedom, which makes her a bit wild and kinky; but she also likes to be tied down. Just my type.”

The president went on to explain about her foreign policies, adding that “She opens her border for just about anyone that flirts and wants to enter, even the shitholes. So I’m glad she carries a gun when she travels. But of course she knows that the world is all for her.  She keeps a home in just about every city in every country. Well more like a love shack.  A dungeon really.  Have you seen one?  There’s a special room full of whips and chains.  It’s really wonderful.”

The former reality-TV-star-turned-world-leader switched to more domestic details, adding that “She loves the blacks!  Believe me.  Let me tell you. I’ve seen it.  And although she’s in debt, has a terrible temper, a serious drug problem, and a list of untreated medical conditions, at least she watches Sunday football and tells me that she goes to church.”

But his tone shifted and seemed to indicate some concern for his country.  "She’s been getting into a new music.  She’s singing too.  It's these really lively a cappella harmonies about rising up and moving in the sunlight.  And these funny ideas about community gardens and minimalism and fitness.  I’m sick of it.  Like come on sweetie?  Enough is enough.  You need some balance.  Now you got to ruin sugar for me too?  Get back in the car already!  We’re going to McDonald’s.  God Bless Miss America.  Make Miss America Great Again”

Then one half of the room stood up and cheered while the other half began immediate rebuttals not having listened to a damn thing.  It was supposedly over, but one last comment by Trump was overheard.  It was caught off mic by a second camera.  It was in regards to Miss America’s recent #MeToo hashtags.  Donald joked to a friend that “The last time I heard 'Me Too' was when she join me for a threesome. I love the ladies' Me Too movement!”

And so we conclude Trump’s 2018 State of the Union address.  Miss America was not available for a comment, having left already to take her daughters and sons back home, tuck them into bed, and read an old bedtime story, a classic, something about an adventure in an enchanted forest.

God Bless America.

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