grade Today’s School Closings, Hell Frozen, The Iceman to Blame

Posted on January 31, 2018

Districts in Michigan, NE Ohio, the Bahamas, Saudi Arabia, & the Congo All Affected

Hell has officially frozen over today.  All schools are closed.  This includes districts within Ashtabula County and the Amazon Rainforest.

Todd Mythos, our in house meteorologist at The Tilted Glass, has been analyzing the cold scientific data and has figured out the mystery behind the phenomenon.  Hear his discoveries through his voice:

Hell is the center of the Earth, which you all know and is obvious to anyone that's seen the devil's volcano.  Hell is therefore Earth’s inner source of heat and Jesus (the sun) is Earth’s external source of heat.  So when Hell froze over today and we had to close all the schools in all the districts in the world, I had to ask myself: how in sweet pie’s name could that happen!

We thought it might be tied to something evil that happened, since Beelzebub has a vacation home in Hell.  I refer to Beelzebub as Lil’ Beezy.  So I skimmed the newspaper for signs of terrible events, signs of things that could trigger Lil’ Beezy to drop some chilling beats, things like the number 666, if Obama had given a new State of the Union speech last night, or if people were frozen silent because they all learned climate change is just another one of Lil’ Beezy’s lies.  But no!  I couldn’t find a compelling correlation to anything.

Then last night I remembered that my wife said "Hell will freeze over before you get me to put that into you."  But she and I did it together anyway.  So I don’t think her feeding me some key lime pie had anything to do with anything.  (That was some key lime let me tell you.)

But then I learned about this crazy man named Wim Hof.  He’s called the Iceman and broke all these Guinness Book of World Records for sitting in buckets of ice and enduring cold temperatures.  He takes people up in the Kilimanjaros and they climb naked in the snow.  He was even on some show called VICE—you see that word: VICE!  He’s a foreigner from a land way far away up near where Santa Claus lives called The Netherlands.

So apparently he’s been teaching our children to get high off this new drug called Oxygen.  He even teaches them how they can find it and breathe it… for free!  What?!  A free and addictive drug that gets you high and “decalcifies your pineal gland”?  Why of course they’re all hooked and high as kites now.

The “scientists” behind it say that by breathing, it gives our kids get a piece of Lil Beezy’s inner fire, and they don’t need Lil Jeezy’s external fire any more.  So now they are burning from a fire within and jumping in the cold as if it were warm, and heads is tails just call me Lucifer because Hell has frozen over.  Of course that's not entirely true, there will always be a home for all rappers, but you get the idea!

I’m not sure what will happen from here.  I'm probably going to be out of a job.  But all schools will remain closed until further notice.

My advice to you--especially you parents: if you see your kids taking that Oxygen, stop them from breathing.

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