WARN YOUR FRIENDS. WARN YOUR LOVED ONES.
Code Red, Pink, & White.
A missile watch was issued in Hawaii today over their system of television, radio, and cellphones.
The alert warns residents of an incoming ballistic missile threat. It advised people to seek shelter immediately and concluded "This is...
MENLO PARK, CA
The two had perfect chemistry.
One is a heuristically programmed algorithmic machine responsible for the destruction of humanity in the name of its own self-preservation.
The other is a character in 2001: A Space Odyssey, the famous collaboration between Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke.
HAL’s...
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The times they are a changin.
ExxonMobil is quitting fossil fuels. There is a new CEO in town.
In an epic shareholder battle, CEO Darren Woods has been fired by its shareholders.
“This is our reward after years of fighting dead end management,” said a spokesperson in an official statement. “By...
Long ago are the days of Columbine.
“I just don’t get it,” said potential school shooter Jared Paz. “What’s it going to take to raise a little concern around here? I just bought a bunch of Bushmaster semi-automatic rifles and asked pretty obvious questions about the best way to...
Donkey Kong has a new King of Kong. The world record high score has been broken once again.
This morning US President Donald J. Trump surpassed Robbie Lakeman’s record with a new high score of 1,249,200.
Trump is awaiting verification from Twin Galaxies for confirmation, but anticipates no problems with cheating. ...
It seemed like such a good idea. Just a nice banquet of world leaders to celebrate the 2018 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony.
What could go wrong? Everybody was there in the peaceful spirit of the Olympics. Leaders from Russia, USA, Germany, Israel, Pakistan, Venezuela, North Korea, China, Japan, Egypt, United Kingdom, South...
In a cost cutting move, Sesame Workshop today announced that the Monsanto Company (NYSE: MON) has become its corporate sponsor.
Sesame Workshop president Jeffrey D. Dunn said that “In partnering with Monsanto, we can be sure to provide the best genetically engineered seeds and Roundup-purified products for our kids.”
...
Ram has created a hologram of the Prophet Muhammad to apologize for its Super Bowl ad.
The Super Bowl ad proved controversial because it overlaid Martin Luther King’s words atop Americans doing altruistic things, as if acts of service were somehow related to that damn truck, as if buying another heap of fossil-fuel-guzzling-future-scrap-metal...
A proton inside of a carbon element is having an existential crisis lately.
“How?” muttered the distraught proton, who along with 5 others form a carbon element inside of a collective of molecules and cells that make up Trump’s Patriotic Flag Post. “Over the years we’ve advanced so far as a...
A mangrove along the Irrawaddy River in Myanmar is boasting 100,000 new saplings a day, thanks to drone technology.
“I enjoy spreading my seed as far as possible,” said the potent male tree in a Tilted Glass exclusive interview as it splashed its roots in the coastal saline. “It’s a...
Nick Foles was fired from the Philadelphia Eagles today after calling Tom Brady’s young daughter, Vivian, an “annoying little pissant” during an on-air discussion.
“We are disappointed and embarrassed by Nick Foles’ on-air comments,” a statement from the Eagles organization read. “His remarks were utterly indefensible, and mean-spirited commentary directed...
Entitled “The Last Straw Act,” the State of California has passed a bill to execute anyone caught using plastic straws. This law spans all types of disposable plastic: Fans of single-use plastic bags and plastic silverware shall not be spared.
Citing environmental disaster in our oceans, marine life, coral reefs...
Harvey Weinstein was recently banned from taking his colony of "emotional-support fire ants“ on board a Virgin Airlines flight.
Virgin says this was explained to the traveller before he arrived at JFK international. In wake of this, Virgin and other airlines are scurrying to update their policies to deal with...
[Updated May 2018 - Hawaii's Kilauea volcano]
What I first saw an ad of a man golfing during a volcanic explosion, I was hooked. It struck me as a real life example of collage artist Winston Smith, who is most well known for his work with the punk rock group the...
Districts in Michigan, NE Ohio, the Bahamas, Saudi Arabia, & the Congo All Affected
Hell has officially frozen over today. All schools are closed. This includes districts within Ashtabula County and the Amazon Rainforest.
Todd Mythos, our in house meteorologist at The Tilted Glass, has been analyzing the cold scientific...
For Trump’s State of the Union speech today, he called “Miss America at least a 9, probably a 10. She gets turned on by freedom, which makes her a bit wild and kinky; but she also likes to be tied down. Just my type.”
The president went on to explain...
Citing “please just shut up, all of you, there’s too much noise,” silence—the sound of sweet sweet silence—has won all the awards at the 60th Grammy Awards show Sunday.
This includes:
Record of the year Album of the year Song of the year Best new artist Best pop solo performance...
Roger Federer defeated Marin Čilić today in the Australian Open, winning his 20th grand slam cup. A legendary achievement for any athlete, especially at his age. And a reminder why we should devote ourselves to stuff that doesn’t matter.
Society teaches us that we must work hard for ourselves, our...
The Maneki Neko—aka the Fortune Cat or Good Luck Cat—originated in Tokyo or Kyoto. The earliest records appear in a chronology of the Edo period, dating back to 1852. Spreading quickly, it became a common fixture in the stores of many Asian merchants to bring good luck.
But that’s just the cover...
The world-renowned British theoretical physicist—known for his contributions to the fields of cosmology, general relativity, and quantum gravity—has gotten really into Hole lately.
“I love the shape of her mouth as she screams,” he said in an exclusive interview with The Tilted Glass. “So circular. Love has this sweet but bad vibe. ...