Reality Adjustments

Neil deGrasse Tyson Receives Golden Flat Earth Award

Jan 08, 2018

For his work in the TV show StarTalk, Neil deGrasse Tyson has received an honorary Golden Flat Earth award at Sunday’s 75th Golden Globes.

The presenter, NBA Star Kyrie Irving, offered this award to “Honor Neil deGrasse Tyson’s contribution in teaching science.  For it is science communicators who teach people how to reach the right conclusions through logic and reason, not by simply regurgitating facts.”

Irving then reminded everyone that all of science is a conspiracy.  That facts about reality cannot be determined by observation, because reality has an observational bias.  That astronauts and photos of Earth are fake.  That the shadow of the Earth on the moon is a lie.  That timezones are a lie. And there is no such thing as global warming because there are no such thing as globes.

“Even this very podium is a lie,” continued Irving.  “And my hands.  My face.  Gosh....”

As Neil deGrasse Tyson took the award, you could hear him off microphone mumble something like “What is this shit?”

He then held the award and looked upon it, eyes wide like he'd seen a ghost, like he'd seen American's dark mirror, up and down, up and down, as if gravity itself was fighting for his gaping jaw.  He uttered several incoherent sentence fragments, but would constantly interrupt himself, too aghast to continue.  

As the music kicked in for him to finish up, he suddenly screamed out aaahhh!  He raised the Golden Flat Earth award above his head and hurled it upon the floor.  It smashed with such force that it actually broke through the bottom and beyond... leaving a gaping hole.  A very large gaping hole.  A bottomless black hole.

He crawled down to his hands and knees, weeping as he peeked his head through the abyss, as if Earth were just a flat sheet of paper.  He blew one last a kiss to the audience and, to the surprise of all, leapt into the vortex.

The cameras then cut to commercial.

The Tilted Glass