Reality Adjustments

Pope Francis to Dance in Native American Sundance

Jan 03, 2018

Today Pope Francis announced his plans to dance in his first Sundance this year.  He will pierce himself to the tree of life and make a flesh offering of his body.

“I’ve always been drawn to the sacred sacrifices on Turtle Island,” said the beloved Catholic leader. “May Tunkashila guide me safely.”

The pope has long been a proponent of religious tolerance.  He has washed the feet of Muslim, Hindu, and Christian refugees, proclaimed interfaith tolerance, and apologized for the genocide against Native Americans.

The pope will dress in the traditional red skirt and sage protections around his wrists and ankles.  He will dance with bald eagle feathers in his crown.  He also has taken a good part of the year to carve his own canupa (sacred tobacco pipe).  “I put the face of the Virgin in the pipe stone.  I think it looks really nice, don’t you?”

For this tradition, the pope will undergo 4 days of purification in intense Inipis (sweat lodges).  He will help chop down the tree of life and plant it in the center of the arbor.  He will then dance under the hot sun from sunrise to sunset for 4 days without food or water.  Eventually he will offer his body as a testament to his prayers for world peace, and be pierced in the chest, hooked with ropes to the tree, and eventually have to tear his flesh to break free.

When asked if this was a joke or prank or in anyway satire, he laughed, “Well I’m not a heyoka, but I do look forward to connecting with the great mystery, Wakan Tanka, in a new way.  Eventually, who knows, perhaps we can fold this into the Catholic faith.  Maybe we can have sweat lodges before mass on Sunday?  A Vatican Sundance will give a little extra oomf to our prayers, don’t you think?  Actions speak the loudest.  Y'all asked for a little more oomf, well here it comes dancing in.”

Catholics around the world have responded in outrage, joy, confusion, and laughter.  The pope has been unavailable for further comment, but apparently has last been sighted running with a herd of buffaloes in South Dakota, with his arms spread open like eagle’s wings, flying freely.

The Tilted Glass