Yoga Teacher Believes He’s God

Posted on June 24, 2018

From the diary of Mark Johnson, yoga teacher:

My students love me.  In fact, they are my disciples.

I’ve studied 200 hours in a Bali teacher training to learn the ancient lineage of Power Yoga.  Yet my poses are timeless.

The people who come to my class look up to me.  Therefore everyone looks up to me, outside of class too.

Women want to get to know me.  They want the power of my yoga.

I will remind you that “I am not your guru.”  Our sangha—our community—is the guru.  I am just its humble torch holder.

Come to my hot tub.  It takes two to hold this torch.

Although I knew you will come.  I am psychic.  There is no such thing as privacy in my akashic realms.

Therefore I knew you would read this very article I wrote, sweet one.  These words are from me to you, for your delicate heart.  Life is so hard outside, sweet one.  I’m not really “from here.”  Isn’t it nice, here, now, with me?  You are sensitive too.  Attuned.  Now I will speak freely of radical inclusion.  Step into this open heart circle.  Away from the gross realities which insist I am getting older and one day will die.

Because you too are God, if you can only follow my words through digital light.  Or would you prefer them chiseled into stone tablets?

You might view this as a problematic caricature.  Or some cheap laugh.  That nobody in real life talks as bluntly as I do right now.  That you aren’t sure how this joke works.

Now we are lost.  And it was so good, sweet one.  Now we are rushed away from the feeling of it all.  Into the haters hate.  I smack them for their insolence!  Thunderbolts and lightning.  Very very frightening!

Haters and their endless headline clickbait chatter.  They will not admit that there is a beast deep inside ourselves, with emotions of its own, struggling in that society’s rigid container.  Shadow puppetry moves me in funny ways if I do not see the light.  And I am the light.

I wish I could give you only sunlight.  Sometimes moonlight is needed.

Oh come back to my yoga class!  Everything will be ok again if you just follow me on social media, click my ads, and tithe me 10% of your salary.  To have abundance, you must give abundantly.

Or just a smile.  A simple smile and it was all worth it.

Namaste, sweet ones.  Namaste.

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