Trump’s Porn Star Affairs Bring Him Closer to Jesus, Defends Evangelical Grandmother

Posted on March 28, 2018

If you’re thinking that, after countless sexual scandals, that Trump’s support will drop amongst Evangelical Christians, you’re wrong.

“We’re all sinners,” said Gertrude Ethylbayer, a 85-year old voter from Ohio.  “But Trump is in a great position to do good.”

Many are baffled how this egotistical playboy, Hollywood reality TV star, and casino owner can meet the moral standards of Evangelical voters.  Trump has interviewed more shock jocks about his sex life than Christian media outlets about his religious beliefs.

It would seem Trump's Evangelical support has little to do with personal character, and more to do with that fact that Evangelicals are opposed to the left's views on abortion, marriage, gay rights, religious inclusion, and racial and gender inclusion.  Forget the fact that Trump has historically been on the left.

When pressed for details, Mrs. Ethylbayer responded, “No, it’s not about that, young man!  You see, when I was a young woman, I've had many rolls in the hay behind my family's barn, sometimes with women too.  Those were the days!  And in the height of what you might call, sexual ecstasy, I’d come to see Jesus.  Oh how the holy light filled me with peace and love.  Surely Trump is feeling the same, don't you think, with his harem of porn stars?  Know your Bible!  Solomon had 700 wives!  Read the Song of Songs, my dear.  How beautiful you are and how pleasant, my love, with such delights!”

Upon this, Mrs. Ethylbayer became stirred up to such extent that she cut our interview short and excused herself to her bedroom.

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