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Jesus Throws Out Snickers Bars From the Temple, Says Cacao is Sacred

Oct 05, 2018

JERUSALEM - Jesus Christ, of Nazareth, the son of David, the son of Abraham, threw out the Snickers dealers from the Temple today.

“Cacao is a sacred medicine,” screamed Jesus as He disrupted a transaction with the Americans.  “You come from the New World, yet your industrial sugar chocolate blasphemises indigenous cacao wisdom!  Yours is all smooth and sugary and filled with soy lecithin.  Where’s the subtle appreciation?  It is allowed to be coarse, dammit!”

“This is why cacao is a medicine used by our ancestors in Central America,” continued wailing the Lord as He stomped a crate of Snickers with His mighty sandals.  “It spans the Olmec, Aztec and Mayan cultures!  They used it as holy sacrament!”

“Cacao is a gateway to all of creation,” gnarled once again Our Saviour as He spit bits of ripped plastic wrappers from His teeth.  “What is this?  Plastic?  Plastic!”

He went on to preach about sustainable cacao farming and supporting the living conditions for farmers and their families.  That to really learn a culture, you must first look at their relationship with their location on Earth.  And to help learn a location, best seek its keepers of local indigenous wisdom.  That most of us are here yet not here, worlds away from the very ground we stand upon due to the accumulative effects of industrial isolation.

But by that time people kind of zoned out.

Last seen, a group of tourists had bought a few Snickers at the gas station outside the temple.  Then they hopped into their cars and drove far away.

Cacao Pods

Casa Abierta-Desarrollo de la Cadena del Cacao, El Salvador


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