The Tilted Glass
We topple Goliath! Bettering lives with serious, satire, and enchanted content.

Zombie Nation Switches to Bitcoin as Official Currency

Jan 16, 2018

Zombie Nation has moved off the gold standard.  Effective immediately, the young nation of freedom lovers will now use Bitcoin as their official currency.

The event has created huge ripples in the global financial markets, since Zombie Nation has been the richest nation in the world for the past 100 years now.  But despite its critics, the cryptocurrency has many advantages for this bloody nation of brain-eaters, including the ability to send money with no middle hand, the bypassing of big banks and regulatory bodies, and a high volatility that provides much needed destruction, as billions are annihilated on any given whim.

This has caught the attention of many Millennials, who increasingly prefer to invest in cryptocurrencies over traditional 401Ks.

“I’m heading to Zombie Nation!” said Jake Talent, a Los Angeles-based improv comedian/barista/bitcoin margin day trader.  “I want to be close to the action!  Plus the rent is really affordable, unlike Highland Park or Silverlake.  And there you don’t need much brains to invest.  I mean, nobody there even has brains.”

Last we heard from Jake, he has configured an army of bitcoin trading bots, who do all of the trading for him by responding to coded stimuli; bots who do not actually experience consciousness themselves, but execute the scripts that other bots have written.

“It's great,” said Jake enthusiastically.  “I don’t have to think about anything.  I just enter my credit card information and the bots do the rest.  They trade even while I sleep, Flying Spaghetti Monster bless their little souls.  Hell, they’ll probably keep trading even after the Apocalypse!”

And that’s just what has happened.  Last night, in a sudden surge, a wave of Zombies flooded the neighborhood and ate the brains of every last hipster gentrifier.

So now Jake’s bots continue on… creating and destroying wealth… digital, groundless, nothing but a pure metaphor soaring through this very page into your skull, where it eats your brains too, and all that is left is that feeling that something has just happened to your heart, a feeling of pure wealth in your red blood, outside of the whole system, oh that feeling, wealth inmaterial, infinite glory, until it too shall pass as the bots carry onward.

Raaaga Glaaarger, the President of Zombie Nation for at least the last 40 minutes, has responded to the latest massacre of gentrifiers with the following: ”rRaaa GRr Ooooo rAAaaAaa gGrrRr ara RAAaAa RaaAaaAaAa gGGRR araa mMmRrrR ORr GgRrrRR Gggg MmmRRrRrRR nuurg araaa RRRaaaA Rrrrrr rAaaAAaaAa!”

Indeed, Raaaga.  Indeed.

The Tilted Glass
close