Reality Adjustments

Trump Honors Future World War III Veterans

May 28, 2018

Donald Trump spoke to children today to honor these future World War III Veterans.

“I are very pleased your future sacrifice with us,” said Trump, speaking at a meeting with Boys and Girls Clubs of America.  “Right now, as I plan for my re-election, I’m gearing up for the battle of your lives.”

In just a few years, these children will be grown and deployed in the Middle East, Russia, China, North Korea, Venezuela, Korea, Mexico, and other "shithole countries around the globe whose names I can't remember right now."

“It’s not so important you brush up on your foreign language skills,” added the president.  “You won’t have to speak anything but American in these foreign countries.  But for those who do learn Aramaic, Russian, Mandarin, Farsi, Spanish, Portuguese, Korean, German, or even French… there will be plenty of work for you too.  I’m a job creator.”

Many of the boys and girls cheered when he demonstrated how war was just like a video game, but in real life.  Some cheered like the night their parents took them to those late night rallies where they got to play with fire and hold their tiki torches high.  But most of the children were quietly horrified, hugged their moms and dads, and wanted to get into their pajamas back home.

“You future WW3 veterans will be making America great again,” rallied the former Reality TV star.  “You will personallybe defending many of my friends interests with the greatest sacrifice.  Thank you for your future service.  Trust me when I say that only when absolutely necessary will I send you away to those countries where I've built so many hotels and casinos.  Hey maybe you'll even get to stay in one.”

“This is an outrage,” expressed veteran Senator John McCain, once upon a time.  “He’s insulting our military service.  He’s tarnishing the sacrifice true heroes have made."

But Trump just dismissed this as “Ramblings of a dead man, a loser, not a hero.  Someone who got captured and is now in the pockets of fake news haters.”

Later, after the band died down, the children dispersed and went back home, googling the “Great Pokemon War” on their smartphones.

The Tilted Glass