Celebrity Marriage! Martin Shkreli & Milo Yiannopoulos Tie the Knot!

Posted on January 22, 2018

Two of pop culture's most famous celebrities under 40 have gotten married!  A testimony to the power of love.

Martin Shkreli, also known as “the most hated man in America” and “Pharma Bro,” has officially filed the wedding papers with Milo Yiannopoulos, known for his racism, sexism, transphobia, Islamophobia, alt-right beliefs, and advocation of pedophilia.

Milo and Shkreli first met in January 2017 at the University of California.  The two were slated to speak at a UC Davis College Republicans event—because somehow that seemed like a good idea—yet protesters shut the event down… a mere 30 minutes before it was to begin.

The two were devastated and terrified that there might be negative publicity.  What would this do to their careers?  They just wanted to be loved.  Being shut down would surely stop attention from coming their way.  Their enablers would then jump ship and point the spotlight to someone else, because everyone knows that being a troll does not work in this day and age of enlightened society.  Without attention, where would they be?

So the two decided to share a drink afterwards for a bit of Misery Loves Company.  And that’s when Cupid flung his unsuspecting arrow once again.

Sparks begin to fly when Milo discussed his support of the AIDS community, and therefore how he appreciated that Shkreli hiked the costs of Daraprim, an AIDS treatment drug, from $13.50 to $750 per pill overnight. 

Then passions came to a full salute when Shkreli revealed he was in possession of a World War II Enigma machine made by the Nazis.

“But love is the real enigma,” relied Pharma Bro.

“Well then…” mused Yiannopoulos as he opened up another shirt button.  “I think we’ve cracked the code.”

Months of unbridled romance began.  The two were inseparable, even as their worlds spiraled out of favor, and all who enabled them moved on to the next hard rock candy.  Both have lost their Twitter accounts: Shkreli for harassing Teen Vogue editor Lauren Duca, and Milo for inciting violence against Ghostbusters actor Leslie Jones.  Milo lost an important book deal with Simon & Schuster.  Then Shkreli was found guilty of securities fraud, where he is currently being held in prison and awaiting sentencing of up to 20 years in jail.

“But we’re finally happy,” they said in an exclusive interview with The Tilted Glass.  “Because love like ours is so rare, so precious.  As the doctor would say: One of God's own prototypes.  A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.”

We wish them a happy life, full of love, compassion, and understanding, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

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