The Tilted Glass
We topple Goliath! Bettering lives with serious, satire, and enchanted content.

Is There a Fire Near Me? Our “Unique” Tool Lets You Know.

Jul 21, 2018

Is there a fire near you?

We built this tool at great expense for your safety.

According to our database of active fires:

Yes! The fire is 40 feet from you!

In fact, it is burning down your home. It is time to start anew. This is a blessing. You are free of the old structure which has contained you for all your life.

Yes! The fire is in your hand.

You hold the drier. Your hair is now dry. Your face is now dry. You have liberated your head and all heavy matter. You are light. You are fire. Remember this feeling. Share this feeling with the world.

Yes! The fire is very near!

In fact, it is within your heart. Remember that today. You are a dragon and carry within you this light. Will it be a strong but tender flame like a candle? Or will it be an out-of-control forest fire? How will you tend your fire? The choice is yours.

Yes! The fire is 1 foot away from you!

It is in your furnace, blacksmith, as you weld for us a mysterious metal circle. This iron circle is your life's work. Soon you shall pass through the circle. The fire shall burn all that is not smooth as you pass through it. You have become your object's form.

No, the closest fire to you is the sun.

It is 92.96 million miles from here. However, global warming is a real threat. There is cause for fear, for even though the fire is quite far, greenhouse gases get trapped in our atmosphere and hold the sun's heat, creating cataclysmic scenarios far worse than any house fire. We would tell you to run away to somewhere cool, but you can't run. You must face it to defeat it.

Perhaps!

You have been visited by a mystical deer with firery horns. Therefore, the fire is constantly moving as the deer moves. Are you a deer whisperer? Can you summon the mystical creature? Or will you frighten it. The choice is in how you conduct your life.

Has the fire has moved positions?

The Tilted Glass
close