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Trump Announces New Line of Jade Yoni Eggs

Dec 20, 2018

For Immediate Release:

Today, just in time for Christmas, the Donald Trump Corporation launches its exclusive line of jade yoni eggs.

Our crystal healing Trump Stones are perfect for women to flex their sacred kegel exercises within intimate spaces.

Trump invites every woman to insert a TRUMP KEGEL JADE EGG® into her yoni.  Create a sacred awareness with your inner shadow.  It’s 100% guaranteed to move you in new and profound ways.

Each TRUMP KEGEL JADE EGG® is embossed in 24k gold with the words “TRUMP WAS HERE”, letting you know you that sacred spirituality is for “me too.”

Historically, jade eggs were reserved for the royal queen and consorts of the emperor of China.  Upon learning this, President Trump insisted on having eggs for his consorts.  “Sorry China queens,” he proclaimed in a recent Tweet.  “My yonis are MADE BY AMERICANS."

In the Taoist spiritual tradition, yoni eggs are used to stimulate life force in women by strengthening the pelvic walls of their vaginas.  Women were revered for their power during ancient times.  They were encouraged to care for their bodies as temples.

And who knows temple construction better than Trump real estate holdings?  Only we know the ancient secret to keeping Mexicans outside your pelvic walls.

Priced at an exclusive $4000 per egg, buy your TRUMP KEGEL JADE EGG® today and awaken a new understanding of patriarchal presence, and later release, in your own time, what no longer serves you, like the egg.  Like, seriously ladies, release this egg.

TRUMP KEGEL JADE EGG®: Just grab ‘em by the yoni™.

For a very limited time only.  May cause serious side effects, including heart failure, death, cognitive dissonance, racist tendencies, unusual urges, seizures, and double death.  Not to be used by women.  Not available in China.

👓 The Tilted Glass

The Tilted Glass