Reality Adjustments

Monsanto Patents Air

May 10, 2018

by The Tilted Glass Ministry of Truth

Great News, Citizens!

Today our beloved Monsanto Company has patented air.  Our country's leader and master, the supremely ascended Donald Trump, has signed an executive order approving such measures.

Monsanto—maker of nutritious Roundup, protector of small farmer seed banks, recycler of toxic wastes, and promoter of native and organic crops—had begun directing their benevolent gaze toward air several years ago.

“Plants need air,” said Monsanto CEO and acclaimed British actor Hugh Grant.  “Rain comes through air.  People breathe air.  It’s good business.  Why not making money from breathing?  You breathe while you sleep.”

The new air fees will factor in your height, weight, fitness level, general activity level, and average altitude above sea level.  Luckily, this calculation will be made simple for you, for Monsanto has partnered with the US government to change their tax laws by automatically including a new air tax option for your convenience via the new form 1099-MONAIR.  Write-offs are available for those investing in Monsanto stock.

Breathing is not cheap, Citizens!  You don’t drink water if it’s not in a plastic bottle.  And you should not breathe air if it has not been purified by Monsanto’s engineers.  These geniuses have been able to change the resonance of air molecules in the same way that scientists have been able to develop sophisticated vaccines to combat autism, aid in contrail production, and combat electromagnetic frequencies on the brain waves.

For those who do not wish to breathe the heathy and miraculous Monsanto air, you may of course opt out of the new air fees and breathe for free.  But since Monsanto has already begun pumping delicious Monsanto-patented air into the atmosphere at a rate of 50 million tons per day, you will need to take great measures to avoid using the air, documenting all your movements and gas mask usage, or you will be found guilty of theft, fined, and imprisoned.  So we recommend hiring a good lawyer to help you prove you are not stealing their air, and then of course you can continue to breathe the polluted free air freely.

We aim to be your source for breaking Monsanto news.  As you may recall, we were the first to report Monsanto's deal to sponsor Sesame Street.

Good day, Citizens!

—The Tilted Glass Ministry of Truth

The Tilted Glass