Reality Adjustments

Monsanto Makes Deal to Sponsor Sesame Street

Feb 08, 2018

In a cost cutting move, Sesame Workshop today announced that the Monsanto Company (NYSE: MON) has become its corporate sponsor.

Sesame Workshop president Jeffrey D. Dunn said that “In partnering with Monsanto, we can be sure to provide the best genetically engineered seeds and Roundup-purified products for our kids.”  

Ads for Monsanto will be rolled into the episodes slowly and tastefully.

“It’s going to be so great for their education,” said Dunn excitedly.  “Our kids will still get their valuable life lessons that you've come to love with us, yet packaged now in a harmonious way to appeal to our benevolent sponsor.”

For example, in an upcoming episode Cookie Monster becomes sick from eating too many contaminated cookies.  It is revealed that the cookies were organic and thus not cleaned properly with Roundup.  Cookie Monster goes to the hospital and is soon visited by Big Bird and Monsanto president Hugh Grant.  There they sing a song about the delicate nature of life and how we need to listen to it first instead of trying to alter it to fit our greedy needs and then finishes up by presenting Cookie Monster with a box of “nice fresh GMO cookies.”  Cookie Monster immediately gets well, leaves the hospital, and dumps all of its nasty organic cookies into the trash can of Oscar the Grouch.

In another episode, Bert and Ernie take to farming.  But—oh no!—they aren’t very good at it.  In a series of funny mishaps, Bert and Ernie even plants weeds by mistake.  Things turn serious when the two realize they won't have enough money to pay next month’s rent.   It seems their neighbors are taking away all their business by growing bigger and better vegetables.

Luckily Monsanto president Hugh Grant arrives with Elmo to give them Roundup-Ready GMO corn seeds.  The corn grows insanely fast and plump.  The competition with the neighbors ends on a happy note when the GMO seeds blow all of the neighbors lawn in a sudden gust of wind.  Monsanto’s lawyers notice this and are able to shut down the neighbors’ farm for growing the stolen seeds.

“It’s perfect!” finished Dunn in a prepared statement.  “This is an amazing new direction in children’s programming.  And teachers: if you want to educate our kids in your classroom, please check out the link below for Monsanto’s science activities guide for students in grades K-6.”


The Tilted Glass