Elon Musk Invests in Bunker Technology, Disappears

Feb 19, 2018

Elon Musk, inventor and lead at Tesla, SpaceX, and SolarCity—Elon Musk, the man who many believe is our savior to show us the way via his technological dreams, apparently has invested nearly 80% of his massive net worth in bunker technology over the years.  Today, suddenly, he disappeared.

A coworker from SpaceX was with him before it happened.  “He kept saying funny things, like ‘You know in Bowie’s Space Oddity, Major Tom just shuts off his headset and flies away.'”

Musk’s disappearance couldn’t have come at a worse time.  As humanity battles overpopulation, hunger, air and water pollution, deforestation, and other ecological disasters; while meanwhile nations spend a colossal amount of their gross national products fighting with each other instead of directing those very resources to help, now more than ever do we need Elon Musk to do cool shit, to help inspire cool shit.

“Musk had this strange smile on his face,” continued the coworker.  “He seemed happy, finally happy.  He said he met someone.  That he was going to start a new family.  I gave him a big hug.

“Then he started humming ‘Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do’ over and over again.  It was eerie hearing Bowie like that.  Yet also kind of soothing, in a Zen kind of way.”

Suddenly my investigative interview got cut short.  Fluorescent lights went out in the office ceiling.  Emergency strobes began to flash.  Air raid sirens circled in the distance.  Our phones blared with alerts saying to take immediate cover.

I saw people’s horrified faces.  Panic all around.  And there was also a calm resignation.  This is it.  So many mothers sighing.  My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare.  And all the fat-skinny people.  And all the tall-short people.  And all the nobody people.  And all the somebody people.  I never thought I'd need so many people.

I walked outside to the field beyond me.  I lay my back to the soft soft ground.  I kicked off my shoes and socks and I felt the grass between my toes.  The soil between my toes felt so clean.

I stared above into the blue sky.  There were no lights anywhere.  No lights at all.  Just the sun above.  The screaming carried on and on in the distance beyond.

And for once, I feel present.  I am happy.  Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do.

Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do.