Reality Adjustments

New Post Office Scratch-and-Sniff Stamps To Smell Like Poop Emoji

May 22, 2018

The U.S. Postal Service will soon launch scratch-and-sniff stamps to welcome in the summer.

The series is inspired by the digital communication devices that have gutted the post office’s relevancy and bankrupted its fiscal books.

Included are icons for the fax machine, AOL, emails, selfies, WhatsApp, and the most anticipated of all: the poop emoji.

“All of our new scratch-and-sniff stamps will smell like the poop emoji,” said United States Postmaster General Ronald A. Stroman.  “Scratch the Amazon icon and sniff freshly stepped-in dog poop on hot summer sidewalk.  Scratch the middle finger emoji and sniff poop on your fingers after using the restroom.  We call them scratch-and-shits.  And they are just for you, our disloyal consumers.”

In 2017, the U.S. Postal Service marked its 11th straight year of financial loss.  Even its double-digit increase in package delivery was unable to offset drop-offs in letter mail, which counts for more than 70 percent of its revenue.

The new scratch-and-shits are not without controversy.  The post office’s older clientele, which make up 100% of its letter mail consumers, are largely offended by the new campaign and also have little emotional connection to the strange icons on each sticker.

But millennials, who make up 0% of the post office’s customer base, are very excited about the changes.  “I’m going to start writing letters to my politicians now,” said Aley Brubacker.  “This is so retro.”

The scratch-and-shit stamps can be pre-ordered now at or by pony express.

The Tilted Glass