Reality Adjustments

NFL Requires Players’ Wives to Stand for Domestic Violence Song

May 25, 2018

The NFL has a domestic violence problem.  Its history of covering up or dismissing cases of NFL players beating and raping women has gone on for many years now.

Pushed to the edge and feeling unheard, the players’ wives and girlfriends have begun “taking a knee” whenever the NFL’s official “Domestic Violence Song” is mandatorily played at the start of each game.

“We respect the historical significance of the league’s Domestic Violence Song,” said NFL Wives representative Jennifer Washington.  “Yet the system of abuse continues.  The league, players union, coaches, and even cops have encouraged us women to stay silent. This has got to end.  This is why we take a knee.  It comes out of respect for what our country can be.  We take a knee in wake of the #MeToo movement.  We take a knee to bring attention to and end the systematic abuse of women, both within this league and in America as a whole.”

In solidarity, women across the country have been joining the knee movement, even those not dating NFL players.

The NFL has been scrambling some time for an appropriate response.  On one hand, women are demonstrating their right to free speech.  On the other, it is embarrassing, especially for potential sponsors.  Go Daddy, Carl’s Jr, and Budweiser have each expressed outrage.

But today NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has cleared up the problem once and for all.  He posted the following rules, which are to take effect this fall:

  1. All wives and girlfriends (WAGs) of NFL players shall stand up and show respect during our Domestic Violence Song.
  2. A club will be penalized if its WAGs do not stand and show respect for the song.
  3. The commissioner will impose appropriate discipline—either by cane or heavy fines—at disrespectful WAGs.
  4. Women fans in general who choose to disobey our orders are better off just staying in the home.

Many readers have asked: “What is the Domestic Violence song?  What’s its backstory and importance to the league?”  

Well it is none other than 1962’s "He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss)" by The Crystals.

“All women must show respect to this historically beloved anthem,” said Goodell.  “He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) represents freedom, liberty, and the soldiers who died fighting on behalf of the NFL’s policies.  It was recorded in 1962 before the Civil Rights Act was passed and everything good about America started going to the toilet.  Now our players keep being accused of rape and battery?  Do you know how difficult it is to go on the field?  You women ought to show a bit more empathy and keep your politics at home.  It’s time we stand together!  So watch now as our cheerleaders shake their booties and help cheer you along for this swan song, just one more time, please don’t let it end.  We the league and its owners must squeeze tightly to our death throes with an iron grip, or risk losing our relevancy in this changing man’s world.  Alas.  Now stand up and pray for the song!"

The Tilted Glass