grade LeBron Announces Retirement from Two-Handed Basketball

Posted on December 28, 2017

LeBron James is making more history by announcing his retirement from Two-Handed Basketball.

This season James is averaging 28.1 points, 8.1 rebounds, and 9.1 assists. All while shooting 56.5% from the field and 40.6% from the three.  But even that is not enough.

I'm looking for the next challenge.  I've been blessed with my years in the NBA, but when you look at how easy the game is with two hands... well you see my point. 
Lebron James

No player has averaged 28 points, 8 rebounds, and 9 assists in a single season after the age of 30.  LeBron James would be the first.

No player has averaged this while having one hand tied behind their backs.

He currently has yet to sign a deal with the maker of the rope.  Rumors are that Home Depot is interested in showcasing their new braided nylon line, and also Lovehoney, a maker of fuzzy handcuffs.

Others in the NBA were quick to respond.

James Harden has announced his retirement from using-your-eyes basketball.  Steph Curry and Kevin Durant have announced their retirement from two-leg/two-human basketball and have decided to tie themselves together into one person, each on one foot, with Curry working the left leg and Durant working the right leg.  And most controversially of all, Russell Westbrook has decided to retire from using-the-ball basketball and will instead focus on expanding his seat of consciousness to better connect with the non-reality nothing reality of the game that is and ever will be for here the most points, the most rebounds, and the most and assists can be gained.

This season is shaping up to be an interesting one indeed.

We mix fresh silly levity and important social stances. A blend of serious, satire or outright fantasy: You decide. The heart in nonliteral packaging.

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