Reality Adjustments

23andTinder: New App Lets You Hook Up with Cousins

May 02, 2019

Swipe right.

The world’s most popular DNA and dating sites have merged.

Combining the best of both worlds, 23andTinder will scan your DNA to see which of your distant relatives are the most compatible with you… in bed.

“Dating in Los Angeles sucked!” said the newlywed bride Jenna LeFlame.  “But then I found 23andTinder.  Who knew I had so many attractive second and third cousins!  After dating most of them, I finally hooked up with my soul mate, second cousin Billy, on Great-Grandma Rita’s side.  How cool we got to keep our own last names.”

“23andTinder has made Christmas and holidays much easier,” added her newlywed husband, Billy LeFlame.  “Plus we match as potential kidney donors.”

But the wildly popular service won't stop there.  They have what they internally call a "total goal," a master plan.  23andTinder will soon be adding a new “eugenics” option called 23andTinderSupremacy.  Here you can match your DNA with potential suitors to create the most “optimal” children based on the “purest” genetic chromosomes.  You'd think the formulas were some new high tech C++ computer wizardry, but they are actually based off of scribbles in the notebooks of german scientists from back in the 1930s!  Swipe far right.

The Internet, wow.  What a wild series of tubes you’ve become.

The Tilted Glass