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My Advice for the New Women in Congress, by Aunt Sally

Jan 03, 2019

Hi sweetie!  It’s your Aunt Sally.  Why didn't you come home for New Year's?  We were shootin' and hootin' all night.  Even your ex came over!  We just love your ex.  Move back home, will you?

So about this women in congress thing.

Us women need to look out for each other.  So please, ladies, heed.  I'm no racist--you remember Darnell--but some of these immigrants will test our heritage.  What's wrong with honoring the roots of this country, pilgrim?

We have the right to choose to stay at home.  And we have the right to work at the store like me.  It's not about left or right or any sides now.  Not everyone needs a shotgun at a wedding, sometimes you need a pistol.  But maybe you what you really need is good old fashioned blackmail, like how I got your Uncle Joe after Christian camp.

I worry about our sisterhood!  Will you congress ladies find good husbands if you're too busy writing up your own laws and vetoing men?  Sometimes you got to pretend to play by their rules so you can do whatever you want to with the tax payer's money.  Preach!

It's a man's world, ladies.  So you will need to be strong, like men.  Just don't make your body strong.  They want your hearts to be like men.  Make man laws for this man's world.

They say we don't have a choice over what's inside our bodies.  That it's not our bodies.  We are their vessels.  That our lives are in the pants of the Lord.  So use that sexy vessel of yours to get them cheating congressmen to do your bidding, like how I got your Uncle Joe to pave the driveway.

I recommend you shut up and listen!  Don't make waves.  You're going to upset them.  Just listen, nod your head, then sneak some alimony and tampons in the constitution.  It's either that or we turn the whole thing upside down, heaven forbid!

So heed my advice!  I've been around these ropes.  And I've used a lot of rope.  Just ask your Uncle Joe.  Oh good lord sweet Jesus I take refuge in thee.

For more Aunt Sally, check out I Prefer to Look at the Nice Things Hitler Did, by Aunt Sally.

👓 The Tilted Glass

The Tilted Glass