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MÊRIKA FURRST,,! - Voting Guide for All of America's Elections

Nov 06, 2018

Top of the day to you, sage readers!

We are back with a special election day letter from one of our least popular authors: Mr. Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq.!

As many of you know, our former colonies on the other side of Drake’s great sea are having a bit of the old vote today.  Mr. Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq. has shared a word or two about how to vote in the elections over at this democratic upstart.

So without further ado, let us tip our hats and give a hearty welcome to Mr. Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq.!


MÊRIKA FURRST,,!

IƵ VOṮIN 4 ÞÛRRPOḸES!

with Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq.

IǾNLY ŤRST PĚÊPOLEZ ĤU VOWT N AL CẠPZ.  N DA KAȽOR V CAPŹ IZ PURRPOLES.

N NO,, U PURṜVEṘT,,,, PUURPOLES IZ KNOTẶSTRÍÞ KĽUB.  ŲNĿEŹ WẺEER STŘEEÞIN ẠWF ĐA NIʛHTEḎ ARRḾOR.  HÄHA! BA NOO,,, PUUŖPOLES ỊZ DA KULOR V ĦỘḼEE NṘG. N BI DAŤ IŻ MEĔṊ LAŶSEỂ N FLEʬID.

OBVỄEUSLEỆ ONḶLY LAŶSEỂ FLEʬID NRĜ CAPZ KAN ȘẬYV DIS ELEKKṠHUN N ÞOOT MÊRIKA FURRST!!!!

ZỘ ḤAW DUŪU WEE NO IFDA PǓÜRPOLES IZ REEELÉẾ PUURPOLES ORDA PHAK PUURÞƠLESʡ??  BKUZ LOTZAÞEEPOĹẾŽ KKLAIM 2BE PUURPOLỆS BUUHT REELŸ DEY R ṞEAƊ O BLĘU Ö FUÑMENTAĽITSTZ Ồ AZĦOLES N DATZ UH DFṚNT KINDA WHHOLE.

VRY GUD KḴUẺSTEEON,,,!  ÍZ GLAYD ỈZ ASFKỄD.

ḎA SEE-KRET 2 NO-IN IF ÐA PURRPOĻES IZ REEL O PHAKỂ IŻ DA KANTIDAD OV ĦUUMOR Ɲ DÂḄLĔ-VZIÔN.  U SEEE DA REEL PUṜRPỌLEȘ ṜÀP DERE WORDZ N TRAP DÈER BIRḒZ CUZ U DON LEHT DIS PǓÜRPOLES SHEẾT GO4FREE IT MAS BỄ EARŅD ÔTHERDIŹE ĎÅ LIE-T IZ 2 BRIṮE N CŰMṢ AKKROS AZ VULGẶ O PHAKE.

ZO VÓẄT PUURPOLES PĚÊPOLEZ O IFDÉRB NUN ƊĖN AĤTḺEEẔT VOWṬ DA KLOʬSĚST KALAǪR 2 PUURPOLES STAṚTỈÑ FRUM DA RITE SIDE OF ĎẪ KALƠR SPEKKTRUM,,,,.  ḪAHA Ở DAT JOƘ IS KẀIṰE PUṈŶ BUTT PRBLY ĽAWST N ĎA NOIZE.  NEWEIGH DATZ ḤAW ĮZ B VOTIN N WĘ SHAL SAYV LIBERṬY FRM DA ÞLAYG A DUÜUṀ.

STĖ TOØONÐ 4MO.  IL Ɓ BAK.  BCỤZ I GATTA HÌ CĘLERY JAẂB ṜIṬIN NÒŴ WIT DA ȚILTAĠĹAS,,,,,,

DẨ TILTAGLẦŠ IZ REEL ṆIZE PEEPỠLĖZ.  DĘŸ GIV ME LOTSA MONỂY JŰS 4 PRESŃ BTṆS... ONẪ KËȲ BORỄĎ!

Sincerely, Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq.

About the Author

Mr. Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq. is a stand up gentleman tasked with covering important topics such as liberty, justice, and bad people who spell nicely.  He is a man who speaks for all the world, even though he’s oddly decided to title his column “MÊRIKA FURRST,,!”

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