MÊRIKA FURRST,,! - Voting Guide for All of America's Elections
Nov 06, 2018
Top of the day to you, sage readers!
We are back with a special election day letter from one of our least popular authors: Mr. Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq.!
As many of you know, our former colonies on the other side of Drake’s great sea are having a bit of the old vote today. Mr. Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq. has shared a word or two about how to vote in the elections over at this democratic upstart.
So without further ado, let us tip our hats and give a hearty welcome to Mr. Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq.!
MÊRIKA FURRST,,!
IƵ VOṮIN 4 ÞÛRRPOḸES!
with Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq.
IǾNLY ŤRST PĚÊPOLEZ ĤU VOWT N AL CẠPZ. N DA KAȽOR V CAPŹ IZ PURRPOLES.
N NO,, U PURṜVEṘT,,,, PUURPOLES IZ KNOTẶSTRÍÞ KĽUB. ŲNĿEŹ WẺEER STŘEEÞIN ẠWF ĐA NIʛHTEḎ ARRḾOR. HÄHA! BA NOO,,, PUUŖPOLES ỊZ DA KULOR V ĦỘḼEE NṘG. N BI DAŤ IŻ MEĔṊ LAŶSEỂ N FLEʬID.
OBVỄEUSLEỆ ONḶLY LAŶSEỂ FLEʬID NRĜ CAPZ KAN ȘẬYV DIS ELEKKṠHUN N ÞOOT MÊRIKA FURRST!!!!
ZỘ ḤAW DUŪU WEE NO IFDA PǓÜRPOLES IZ REEELÉẾ PUURPOLES ORDA PHAK PUURÞƠLESʡ?? BKUZ LOTZAÞEEPOĹẾŽ KKLAIM 2BE PUURPOLỆS BUUHT REELŸ DEY R ṞEAƊ O BLĘU Ö FUÑMENTAĽITSTZ Ồ AZĦOLES N DATZ UH DFṚNT KINDA WHHOLE.
VRY GUD KḴUẺSTEEON,,,! ÍZ GLAYD ỈZ ASFKỄD.
ḎA SEE-KRET 2 NO-IN IF ÐA PURRPOĻES IZ REEL O PHAKỂ IŻ DA KANTIDAD OV ĦUUMOR Ɲ DÂḄLĔ-VZIÔN. U SEEE DA REEL PUṜRPỌLEȘ ṜÀP DERE WORDZ N TRAP DÈER BIRḒZ CUZ U DON LEHT DIS PǓÜRPOLES SHEẾT GO4FREE IT MAS BỄ EARŅD ÔTHERDIŹE ĎÅ LIE-T IZ 2 BRIṮE N CŰMṢ AKKROS AZ VULGẶ O PHAKE.
ZO VÓẄT PUURPOLES PĚÊPOLEZ O IFDÉRB NUN ƊĖN AĤTḺEEẔT VOWṬ DA KLOʬSĚST KALAǪR 2 PUURPOLES STAṚTỈÑ FRUM DA RITE SIDE OF ĎẪ KALƠR SPEKKTRUM,,,,. ḪAHA Ở DAT JOƘ IS KẀIṰE PUṈŶ BUTT PRBLY ĽAWST N ĎA NOIZE. NEWEIGH DATZ ḤAW ĮZ B VOTIN N WĘ SHAL SAYV LIBERṬY FRM DA ÞLAYG A DUÜUṀ.
STĖ TOØONÐ 4MO. IL Ɓ BAK. BCỤZ I GATTA HÌ CĘLERY JAẂB ṜIṬIN NÒŴ WIT DA ȚILTAĠĹAS,,,,,,
DẨ TILTAGLẦŠ IZ REEL ṆIZE PEEPỠLĖZ. DĘŸ GIV ME LOTSA MONỂY JŰS 4 PRESŃ BTṆS... ONẪ KËȲ BORỄĎ!
Sincerely, Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq.
About the Author
Mr. Duncan Haywood-Petticoat Esq. is a stand up gentleman tasked with covering important topics such as liberty, justice, and bad people who spell nicely. He is a man who speaks for all the world, even though he’s oddly decided to title his column “MÊRIKA FURRST,,!”