Reality Adjustments

Hurricane Florence Changes Gender As It Nears Carolina Coast

Sep 13, 2018

Hurricane Florence's gender transition begins today.

The storm is forecast to be "an extremely dangerous major hurricane when it nears the U.S. coast late Thursday and Friday," said the National Hurricane Center.

The storm has also changed its name from a woman to a man.

“They named me Florence too soon,” said the hurricane. “But ever since I was a little tropical storm, it felt weird having been assigned that gender.  Nobody asked me who I was.  I wasn’t even a Cat 1 yet and suddenly they were calling me Florence.  But inside I knew I was more Floyd than Florence.”

The change doesn’t come without resistance.  Naming hurricanes is a strict procedure established by the World Meteorological Organization (WHO). For Atlantic hurricanes, there is a list of male and female names which are used on a six-year rotation.

“We’ve always done it this way,” said a WHO representative.  “Why change this perfect system?  If it ain't broke don’t fix it!  That's what the Ancient Greeks said!”

Critics were quick to point that it was never “always” like this.  Until the early 1950s, tropical storms and hurricanes were tracked by year and the order in which they occurred.  In 1953, the United States began using female names.  By 1979, both male and female names were used for both Northern Pacific and Atlantic storms.

“Here comes the winds and the waves,” whispered Hurricane Floyd.  “It’s about to get real.  Brace yourself, but relaxed.  I’m gonna fuck up your reality, my sweet dears.  It will be good in the end.  God pray nobody gets hurt.  Change is coming from the ocean to the mainland.”

The Tilted Glass