Reality Adjustments

Trump to Star in One-Man Remake of Apocalypse Now

Feb 23, 2018

Agent Orange is back in Hollywood.

The reality-TV-star-turned-president has returned to the source from where his passion flows.

“Trump was very excited at the metafictional aspects of this project,” said Trump’s agent Joseph Conrad.  “As you know, in the original Apocalypse Now, director Francis Ford Coppola makes a cameo as a TV journalist.  Coppola yells out to the soldiers, who are also actors, 'Just go by like you're fighting,' thus blurring the lines between fiction and reality.”

The Hollywood reboot moves away from Vietnam and takes place instead in the Middle East.  The famous jungle river will now become the cradle of civilization: The Tigris-Euphrates River system.

The reboot is the passion project of first time director, Jack Dorsey.  Dorsey is best known as the founder of Twitter.

“I first thought Trump would be perfect for Dennis Hopper's role, the photojournalist,” said Dorsey.  “But Trump kept insisting on playing Kurtz.  He would tweet ‘The Horror.  Sad!  The Horror. Not nice!’ over and over to try to convince me.”

The problem was soon solved with a epiphany.  See, Trump sent over an audition video of himself acting out all his favorite lines from the movie, across many different characters:

"Terminate with extreme prejudice," said Trump.

"You’re an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill."

"What the hell do you know about surfing, Major? You’re from goddamned New Jersey!"

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

"I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas."

"The heads. You're looking at the heads. Sometimes he goes too far. He's the first one to admit it."

"Who's the commanding officer here, soldier?  —Ain't you?"

"Disneyland? Fuck, man, this is better than Disneyland!"

"I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor... and surviving."

The sound of his accent really sold the lines above.

“He even sent a karaoke version of The End by The Doors,” continued Dorsey.  “Then I realized: This man is a monologue machine!  Why not have Trump play  all of the parts?  Willard, Kurtz, Chief, Chef, Lance, Kilgore.... can you imagine?  It's going to be great.  That Cowboy and Indian scene alone with the playmates?  It’s perfect.”

A true method actor, Trump reportedly has already gone into full character... while also still performing his duties as president.  So much so that even his inner circle of staff don't know who is who anymore.  This comes with a touch of metafictional irony, since Trump actually is the commander in chief of the US military, and not just an actor.  What a pickle!

Very much in character, Trump has threatened to nuke countries who offend him, has begun saying that all teachers should be carrying guns, and has even punched a mirror image of himself with his bare fist, breaking his shattered reflection, and then curled up in a tantrum of agony as the blood dripped over his naked body while the ceiling fans spun above like helicopter blades.

“White House…” muttered Trump.  “Shit.  I'm still only in DC.  Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle.”

Apocalypse Now: Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You

The Tilted Glass