Gray Squirrel Removed From Endangered Species List

Posted on May 12, 2018

Some uplifting news today.  The gray squirrel is off the endangered species list!

For many years, US conservationists couldn’t get enough of this cute grey squirrel.

“You may think they gray squirrel is everywhere,” said U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service acting director Jim Kurth, “but its very cuteness is what makes it so vulnerable.  For example, squirrel fur coats are all the rage in Russia.  We must protect this wonderful species, a species as American as a McDonalds hamburger.  We must help them spread to all corners of the world!”

So, long ago, they were exported to Europe as fashionable additions to wealthy estates.  Soon the gray squirrel began to threaten the survival of Europe’s native red squirrel population.  Grays are better adapted for survival, eating seven times as much food, which helps them store more fat and survive the harsh winters  Gray squirrel numbers have now reached 2.5 million in the UK and heavily outweigh their red counterparts, of which only about 10,000 are thought to exist.

“A victory for American exports!” said US President Trump in a United Nations speech.  “Crooked Hillary had been subsidizing this species for years, keeping it on the endangered list to appease her crooked friends.  She's the one ruining native species!  But now…” he said and turned toward Russian UN Ambassador Vasily Nebenzya, winking.  “Now, you see, so I help you with your fur coats, and you help me with mine....”

“No!” screamed Jim Kurth upon hearing the news.  “Look what happened to the Passenger Pigeon!  They were America’s most plentiful bid and now they are gone!  Gone!  We needed to spread this American cuteness all over the world, or it too shall perish.  Don’t cave into Russian squirrel fur coat lobbyists, Mr. President!  They gray squirrel is endangered I tell you.  Endangered!”

Gosh.  What a political quagmire.  If you have an insight how to solve such international politics, please us know.  We are listening.

In the meantime, we’ve included a few photos of just how cute these creatures are.


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