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Former Park Ranger Says Great Horned Owl is Ripping Society Apart

Dec 19, 2017

by Gary Buho, Former Park Ranger

The greatest threat to society is not Trump.  It's not Obama, nor Buddhist meditation, nor nuclear weapons, nor global warming, nor health food, nor terrorists, nor video games, nor gays, nor fascists, nor human rights violations.  Yes, these are all awful things... but no, they are not the greatest threat to society.

The Great Horned Owl is the greatest threat!  They are literally tearing society apart with their big sharp talons.

Before I was fired, I used to work for our national park system.  I would help families.  I would help nature.  I would help you.  Time and again I would come across the worst of society's owls.  

Families would gather for picnics, smores, guitar, and nights of psilocybin magic mushrooms.

Suddenly I would jump into the middle of their Peyote practice singing circles and scream "Watch out for the Great Horned Owl!"  They would run scream like frightened chipmunks.  Some would even attack me.  "Ahh, you might be upset that I snuck up on you," I replied. "But that is nothing compared to what the Great Horned Owl will do to you if it sneaks up on you!"

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Take heed!

The Great Horned Owl's talons are mighty!  They take a force of 28 pounds to open when clenched.

The Great Horned Owl strikes from above.  It is one of the skunk's only predators. 

The Great Horned Owl's computer skills are unparalleled.  They can hack the global financial system, destroy the markets with unparalleled wisdom, and guess the nuclear codes (although Trump also Tweeted them publically the other day - the nuclear codes are "POE").

The Great Horned Owl's sexual charm has no boundaries.  I once saw it seduce both the husband and the wife.  It drove that marriage apart.  They had kids too.  Shame.  All ended up behind bars.

So of course I continue to warn people.  Even after they fired me for creeping everyone out.  

Well I don't give a hoot.  

Who- who- who to beware of?

BEWARE THE GREAT HORNED OWL!

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