The Tilted Glass
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Vegetarian Murdered the Hell Out of That Carrot

Apr 18, 2018

Today a vegetarian committed a homicidal massacre against a family of raw carrots.

“I picked them myself from my organic garden,” said Jane Tiller, 33, from Ashland Oregon, with pride.  “I love picking vegetables from my garden.”

She feels proud for her bloodshed.

You see, Jane didn’t eat an apple or an orange.  No.  An apple or orange is a fruit.  You or another animal eats one of those, you digest it, and then finally when it comes time to poop it out the seeds are still intact, undigested, and get to spread to a new location, ready to sprout in the ground with a fresh package of your brown feces as fertilizer.  That’s pride, Jane.  Having a mud baby, that’s pride.

Nope.  Instead, Jane Tiller, the “humble vegetarian,” dug up a carrot, uprooting the whole living creature in the process, killing it entirely from head to toe along with its brothers, sisters, parents, and even its own babies.  Then Jane chopped them into pieces and ate the family in a salad of other vegetables she had decimated, putting some in a juicer where she gulped their essential living juices down in raw liquid form, suckling the carrot while its cells were still alive, beating, moving, making photosynthesis, slowly fading away, wondering where its family was, until Jane’s stomach acids dissolved every last bit down unto its skeletal fiber.

Nice gardening, Jane!  Don’t you know plants have intelligence too?  Smarter than most people I know.  Scientists and shamans alike have demonstrated that plants have feelings and can communicate with each other, living as a collective organism, a plant community that feels and learns from each other.  

Sure Jane, you go hug that redwood tree and listen to its message, then you butcher the carrots in a rage of hungry carnage.  You even justify it all by saying plants don't suffer like the animals do.  Not like they do, Jane, but they do.

You could have eaten a Jain diet, Jane.  Shame on you, you non-Jainist.  Jains are the vegans who go out of their way to not hurt plants, animals, small insects, and even microorganisms.  For this they drink only filtered water, don’t eat root vegetables thank you very much, don’t eat honey for the harm it does to bees, don’t eat at night because fire may attract and kill insects, don’t eat anything fermented, don’t eat food stored overnight because it contains higher levels of microorganisms, and don’t eat mushrooms because of all the bacteria in its environment, among many other details your sloppy self doesn't care to adhere to as you tote your righteous ways.

Ooooo... bet you didn't see this one coming, comrade.  Wuh-PSSSH!  Take that, murderer!  You and all your other organic-small-farm-to-table gardener assassins.

Am I right?  Can I get an Amen?

#FreeTheCarrots

#CarrotsArePeopleToo

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