Reality Adjustments

Miss America 2.0 Will Judge Contestant’s Ability to Outsource Businesses & Corporate Raid

Jun 06, 2018

The Miss America pageant has scrapped its swimsuit competition.

"We are no longer a pageant, we are a competition," said Gretchen Carlson, chairwoman of Miss America's board of directors.  "We will no longer judge our candidates on their outward physical appearance. That's huge."

Miss America's origins began with an "Inter-City Beauty Contest" started in the early 1920s, with the prize going to "The Most Beautiful Bathing Girl in America."

The new 2.0 competition will reflect America in the #MeToo era.  And it will be a competition in the truest sense of the word, putting to battle America's capitalist values on an ever more complicated international stage.

Miss America 2.0 contestants will be asked to lay off large rooms of steel mill workers who have vested 30 years of their lives and were just mere months away from their pensions.

She will also be expected to know the best way to turn down someone’s medical coverage through a system of traps and loopholes designed to let potentially expensive patients die while waiting.

In the much anticipated corporate raider portion, a contest shall be given a hypothetical amount of money to buy a large number of shares in corporations whose assets appear to be undervalued, which can then be used to push changes in the company's leadership with her added voting rights, thus generating a massive return for the raider.

In a surprise twist, Donald Trump, former owner the Miss Universe Organization, has been asked to steer Miss America 2.0’s board of directors.  Per Trump, swimsuits will still be a part of it, but only if needed as an optional tool in the “sleep your way up the ladder” section of the show.

Enjoy now the competition’s official theme song, Miss America, by David Byrne.

The Tilted Glass