America Celebrates Independence from Rest of Planet

Posted on July 04, 2018

July 4th.  America, in a galaxy far far away

The United States celebrates its Independence Day today.

The annual tradition, taking place every July 4th, marks the moment where the Unites States banded together to declare itself free from any attachment or responsibility to the rest of Earth.

"Today marks the day where America, the center of our own private planetoid system, became free to do whatever we want,” said its acting CEO and president.

"Whatever we want to the land, the sea, and the sky.  Whatever we want to the animals and planets and people all around, because we don't need no Mama Africa or Papa Europe.  We're 18 now, ok?  You hear that?  I can do whatever I want.  I have a right, dammit.  I have a bill of rights right here, you see?  It's my right!"

Last seen, American was flying at a cool 17,760 miles per hour, heading west, far from the warm sunlight to where it's nice and cool.

The Fate Button

We made this extremely useful Facebook game for you at great expense. Click the button and we will predict your horrible yet deeply comforting fate. Do you dare? Try now before your time is up!

Add me to your email list

sentiment_very_dissatisfied THE FATE BUTTON